“Dear Cocoa,

My pets are really good to me:  they feed me well; give me a warm soft bed to sleep on; have a shelf so I can sleep in the sun; and I have more than enough toys to keep my active.  There is just one thing that I can’t stand:  they want me to lie on their lap and purr while they choke me and rough me up!  How do I avoid this?  How do I tell them I don’t want to lie on their lap or anywhere else near them--because the female always has that awful sweet stuff on her and the male has some kind of rotten fish smell about him.  Please help me!

Signed Need Help”

Image by Nemo

“Dear Need Help,

I understand your issue completely.  I have a pet who puts this smelly stuff on and then wants to cuddle me as well.  I just let her know in no uncertain terms that I MOST DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT TO BE HELD by her when she smells that way.  You must be firm with your pets and let them know who is in charge right away.  Once they fall into the habit of making you do what they want, well, it is all over for you.  When that smell approaches---HIDE!  If they catch you, fight with everything you have.  If that doesn’t work--above all Do Not Purr for them!  Good luck,

Signed Cocoa,”