“Dear Cocoa,

Are pets really that stupid, or are they just pretending?  I awoke from a wonderful nap where I dreamt that I was a Pirate Captain on a ship filled with gold and treasures of all kinds (like tinkle toys, etc.).  I stood up and stretched, as per my routine, and suddenly I was swept off my feet by my pet who then stuffed me into their shirt and squeezed till I shrieked (okay squeaked).  Do they really think that this is how I want to be held?  How can I teach them otherwise?

Signed Squished”

“Dear  Squished,

I feel your pain, my friend.  I have been plagued by such behavior myself.  The best way to show your distaste for this type of behavior is to scratch, struggle, and growl.  I have found that by showing my dislike for this, my pets have let me go because I hurt them and then they leave me alone for a bit, which is exactly what I want.  Don’t be discouraged, it may take a few tries (okay a lot of tries) before your pet figures out what you are trying to tell them.  Just make sure you react the same way each time and you will see the difference. 

Signed Cocoa,”