Saturday, January 19, 2013

Cat likes human food.

"Dear Cocoa,

I am an indoor feline all the way.  I love the sun in the window where I nap.  I love the soft bed where I sleep with my human.  I love the food she gives me.  I love the pets and cuddles.  However, there is one thing I do not understand:  My human doesn't always share her food with me.  I love the food she eats; it smells so good and tastes great (to me); but she usually clears her plate saving none of the delectable morsels for me.  How can I convince her that I should be thought of whenever she eats?

Signed Human Won't Share"

"Dear Human Won't Share,

Human food is definitely a treat; though not very healthy.  I would simply enjoy what you have and let your human enjoy the less healthy stuff more often.  She will feel the effects soon enough, but you should remain healthy (as is required by feline law).  A nibble now and then is okay, but don't eat it all the time (bad, very bad).  Hope this helps.

Signed Cocoa"

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Cocoa and his mail

Dear Readers,

Cocoa has become so overwhelmed with letters, that he isn't sure which ones to answer first.  He tried going by the ones that came in first; however there were 105.  He tried to read them all and determine which were most important, but each time he finished sorting just one letter, 200 more came in.  He has decided to take one day and sort all of his letters into bins by date and then again by need.  He will be finished with this task by tomorrow (we hope) because he has called up his team to help.  Don't worry, when Cocoa says he will complete a task, he will complete a task, after a short break, of course:
What are you looking at?
I can take a break if I want to!

Monday, January 14, 2013

Cat wants out...

"Dear Cocoa,

I am an elderly feline with a lot of years of experience behind me.  I was recently captured by humans and put in a home (how degrading) with several other felines who are much younger than I.  I do not want to dominate; however I am older, wiser, and more qualified than the others.  My problem is this:  How do I get the younger felines to acknowledge my superior intellect and How Do I Get Out Of This House And Back Outside?  I hope you can help me.

Signed Wants Out"

"Dear Wants Out,

The younger generation has no respect for their elders; sad, but true.  They will not come to you for answers because they feel they know it all and don't need anyone to 'educate' them.  I would ignore them completely (since they will effectively ignore your knowledge).  As far as leaving the home, you might want to reconsider that point.  As an older feline you are most likely suffering from aches and pains which slow you down a bit.  The older you get the harder it will be to catch your own food.  Being in a home with pets to care for you means they will be giving you your food and water and they will provide a warm bed where you can sleep whenever you want to.  If, after that advice, you still want out, try resting close to the door.  When one of the humans (especially the young ones) opens the door, scoot out before they can catch you.  Good Luck!

Signed Cocoa"

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Its snowing in the "house"?

"Dear Cocoa,

I have been an inside cat for many years, but I have never seen anything like this!  It was snowing inside the room where we all sleep!  Yes, that's right, snowing.  The only catch was, we couldn't reach the flakes.  They dropped from the roof and stopped a few feet away and just swirled and floated there.  My housemates and myself tried to reach them by climbing, jumping, and even crying for help, but there was no way we could reach them.  Can you help us? 

Signed Can't Reach the Snowflakes"

"Dear Can't Reach the Snowflakes,

I am sorry to inform you that I cannot help you in this matter.  I have seen such a phenomenon in my own sleeping area and have learned that the flakes are simply out of reach.  I know this sounds weird and horrifying especially since snowflakes usually drift down until they reach a solid surface; however these particular snowflakes are, I hope you are ready for this revelation, they are not real!  That's right, they are human made and human hung (I actually watched my human hang some of them).  So, though they may look real and may swing and sway like real flakes, they are only human made replicas of the real thing--this means they are not worth the effort of trying to catch them.  I hope I have helped,

Signed Cocoa"

Friday, January 4, 2013

The window is in my way.....

"Dear Cocoa,

I am not a smart feline; my friends are forever teasing me about it.  And I admit there are soooo very many things I do not understand.  I read your column recently and thought you might be able to help me out.  I have many questions, but my brother said you would only answer one at a time.  Here is the first of many questions:  Why, when the white snow flakes dance in the sky, am I not able to reach them from my perch in the window?  Hope you can help me.

Signed Jasper"

"Dear Jasper,

I think you are a marvelous feline because you are willing to admit your faults and try to better yourself.  Your first question is easy to answer, though I am sure it has been a problem for you for quite a long time.  You see, there is a material that our human pets put into the window to prevent the rain, snow and wind from actually coming into the house.  That material allows you to see out, but not to reach out.  Sadly, many cats have tried by trying to race through the material (with dire results).  I am certain you are not one of those felines (I hope).  Feel free to send me another of your questions, and I will be happy to answer it promptly.

Signed Cocoa"

Try these for your pets outside viewing pleasure.


Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Why do they act that way?

"Dear Cocoa,

My pets have been acting rather strangely over the last few days and I can't figure out why.  Here are the details:  they have been drinking a liquid that makes them act silly; they have been talking about improving themselves; they have been putting out lots of tinsel-like decorations (but always too high for me to have any fun); and they have been giving me and my housemates several hugs a day (highly suspicious if you ask me).  Can you explain?

Signed Worried"

"Dear Worried,

It is the season I'm afraid.  You see right around this time of the year our human pets begin to think about starting over (yes I said starting over).  They try to change what they have been doing all of their lives, and they try to change their work and home scheduling.  After much study and research, I have concluded that it is some type of behavioral modification program put in place by the aliens who control the humans in their behavioral patterns; in other words, humans are sometimes impossible to understand.  Sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but sometimes we just have to shake our heads and accept that humans are strange.

Signed Cocoa"