Cocoa addresses moving

"Dear Cocoa,

I have been living in a total ..uh.. how can I put this---well it's not nice anyway.  My pets have decided to move!  Can you believe this?  I have been in this home, pampered to perfection, for many of my 9 lives and now I am being moved to a brand new location with new smells and new people and ..oh.. I don't know what I will do.  Can you give me any advice at all.  PS:  I am writing this from the back of a rolling cart with a roof and all I can say is  HELP!

Signed On the Go"

"Dear On the Go,

I sympathize with you and your situation.  Unfortunately, since we felines live so much longer than our pets, we often get moved around.  Sadly we can't even pick and choose once that happens.  You didn't say, but I assume your pets are moving and taking you with them.......  If that is the case, at least you will still be pampered--unless they add another just for the fun of it.  Be careful in this new place.  Take you time snooping around and checking out the scents.  And last, but not least, steal something of your pets and place it somewhere deep and dark.  When you feel overwhelmed, go to this dark place and rest; it will not only provide you with needed rest, but it will give you pets a scare when they try to find you.  If you are not going back to your pets, you might want to think about leaving and finding new pets on your own; we do, after all, have a much better instinct than they have, right?  Hope this helps,

Signed Cocoa"

What is that thing?

"Dear Cocoa,

I just wanted to send this as a warning to all of your reader's who are thinking of making a trek into the great unknown--I'm talking about the place through the front door!  I ventured there just two days ago (was it really only two days?); anyway, I ventured through and here is my story:

I loved chasing the leaves in the wind and chasing a butterfly till it flew too high for me.  I loved the chance of freedom, going where I wanted without anyone to yell "get off of there".  I loved the games I could play with the tiny rodents that roamed the yard.  I loved the chance to stalk a bug without someone coming by with a tissue to get rid of it before I had had my chance.  And I loved lying in the sun on a sun-warmed surface for hours.  Then it struck!  A creature so ugly that I couldn't help but blanch when it

approached.  Tail already fanned for a fight, the creature raced towards me so fast I didn't have time to fully rise to my feet.  The creatures gray fur blended so well into the hard surface that on occasion I lost the creature for a moment (and I have good eyes).  Then it stood before me teeth furiously working in its anger and tail twitching with pent up anger.  All I could think of was to run, which is exactly what I did.  

The creature, thank goodness, didn't follow, but now I can't get back into my nice safe home because the door is closed!  Please advise me, Cocoa, as I don't like the damp unknown under my nice safe home.

Signed Frightened"

"Dear Frightened,

I believe the creature you encountered in your outdoor trek is called a Quill.  Terrible creatures to be sure; however, they are not the sort to chase the likes of us because we tend to eat their young (well at least those
that remain wild do).  There you have at least a small advantage.  As for the problem of living under the safe home, you must sit before the door you raced out of and yowl with all your heart until one of your pets comes to let you back inside.  Hope this helps,

Signed Cocoa"

Cocoa saves the day once more, well maybe...

"Dear Cocoa,

I am a large, pampered Persian with soft beds in every room of my house.  My pets only feed me the best food and they give me lots and lots of pampering (oh I already said that didn't I?); anyway, recently they added a few things to my cat room and I was not sure what to do with them.  You see, they put those funny rug covered things; four to be exact.  I assumed they were there for me to get a bit of exercise (been putting on a few, you know how that is), but to my surprise they then brought in two complete strangers to (horrible-horrible) share my lovely home.  How can I endure such an insult?  Please help me, I am desperate.

Signed desperate (from above)"

"Dear desperate,

The best thing you can do right now is play dead (literally).  Lay about the house with sad eyes and small sighs.  Refuse to eat (unless they aren't looking).  Refuse to play (except at night when they are sleeping).  Most of all--refuse to purr: I know it will be hard for you but you must!  You have to show your pets how unhappy these two strangers have made you.  It won't be long before they get the message and the two strangers are history--unless they are babies in which case you may be stuck with them no matter what.

Signed Cocoa"

Cocoa does it again!

"Dear Cocoa,

My pet has begun to do some very strange things that I cannot understand.  For instance, she has begun to leave ME alone while her and male walk out the door holding paws!  She also spends more time paying attention to him instead of ME!  What is going on?!?!?!?  Please help me, I miss my chewy snacks and my play time with my pet.

Signed Is She Forgetting Me?"

"Dear Is She Forgetting Me?,

I believe your pet is suffering from an illness called "mating".  Just like us felines, she is seeking her mate.  However, unlike us felines, humans do not seek mates only at certain times of the year and therefore they find it much more involved and ceremonious.  Don't worry, the moment will pass, as they always do, and your pet will be as loving and attentive as ever!

Signed Cocoa"

Cocoa answers another question.....

"Dear Cocoa,

I am a bit embarrassed to ask this; but I don't know any other way.  You see my pet has a way of petting me that causes me to give in every time!  I can't fight it; I even purr!  Can you help me?  I need to reassert myself as an independent feline before I am past all hope!

Signed Nearly Past All Hope"

"Dear Nearly Past All Hope,

Hang onto your feline card, my friend, you have not lost your fight.  You see, the whole idea is to win

our pets over so they don't think we own them; when you give in to your pets, you make them think they are in charge and they tend to spoil you more.  So, sit (or lay) back, relax, and let your pet have their way.  Once they are done, you can get up and go assert your authority about other things.

Signed Cocoa"

New baby in the house

"Dear Cocoa,

I love reading your column and have gotten some excellent advice about everyday things; however, I now have a problem of my own that I was hoping you could fix.  You see, I am a 'well-rounded' feline with lots of experience years behind me.  Yesterday I was presented with an intruder in my home and I find that the intruder is pampered and fed more than me.  What's more, he has been given MY bed to sleep in!  I have told my pets time and again that this type of behavior is inexcusable; but, for some strange reason, they are not listening to me anymore.  The intruder is small and seems to be helpless so I could fight it for territory; however, I feel deep down inside, that my pets would not agree with that process.

Signed Hoping You Can Help"

"Dear Hoping You Can Help,

I fear you have been subjected to the 'new baby in the house syndrome'.  You see, when we felines get older we tend to want to sleep more and play less (thus our 'well-rounded' appearance).  This makes our pets upset because they love to play with us (of course they would).  Thinking that the problem is loneliness, our pets often decide to introduce another into the household.  If the new one was older, you could easily fight to exert your authority.  However, if the new one is a baby, well.........  Bear with your pets for a bit (a day or so ought to do the trick) and then they will grow tired of the baby's demands.  You can then begin to 'train' the little one as to the order and behavior expected from him.

Signed Cocoa"

Cocoa tries to be sympathetic....

"Dear Cocoa,

As a pure bred feline, I don't usually slum it; however, I felt that this particular situation should be addressed at once.  As I lounge in my enclosed backyard with multiple fountains of fresh water and plenty of soft hammocks, I see many things, but this one thing is intolerable.  Felines, skinny, dirty AND of mixed heritage have the nerve to come right up to my enclosure and shout insults at me.  How dare they even think that they have the right to do such a thing.  One particularly large male even suggested I should come out and join him for a night of fun!  This must end or I will be forced to remain indoors for the remainder of my life.  So, Cocoa, being one of THEM, would you straighten out this situation?

Signed Pure Blood"

"Dear Pure Blood,

While I sympathize with you on your situation, I find it hard to believe that felines of my background (and heritage) would behave in such a manner.  Are you certain that the felines are not pure bred?  After all, the pure breds are the ones who always fancy themselves better than other breeds.  Sorry that I can't help you further.

Signed Cocoa"

"Dear Cocoa,

My pet seems to be having a bit of a problem.  She won't pet me or pay any attention to me at all.  I have gone over all of my actions for the last few days:  climbing the curtains, knocking over her lamp, leaving a present on her pillow, racing across the table filled with food, snatching bits off their plates when they weren't looking, trying her coffee and liking it; you know, typical cat stuff.  Has she gotten sick or something?

Signed Worried"

"Dear Worried,

You have nothing to fear.  Your pet is simply going through a 'faze' and will return to normal in a few days.  In the meantime, find a warm cubby somewhere out of the way and get some much needed rest.  Things will be normal soon and you can resume your busy life.

Signed Cocoa"

Cat likes human food.

"Dear Cocoa,

I am an indoor feline all the way.  I love the sun in the window where I nap.  I love the soft bed where I sleep with my human.  I love the food she gives me.  I love the pets and cuddles.  However, there is one thing I do not understand:  My human doesn't always share her food with me.  I love the food she eats; it smells so good and tastes great (to me); but she usually clears her plate saving none of the delectable morsels for me.  How can I convince her that I should be thought of whenever she eats?

Signed Human Won't Share"

"Dear Human Won't Share,

Human food is definitely a treat; though not very healthy.  I would simply enjoy what you have and let your human enjoy the less healthy stuff more often.  She will feel the effects soon enough, but you should remain healthy (as is required by feline law).  A nibble now and then is okay, but don't eat it all the time (bad, very bad).  Hope this helps.

Signed Cocoa"

Cocoa and his mail

Dear Readers,

Cocoa has become so overwhelmed with letters, that he isn't sure which ones to answer first.  He tried going by the ones that came in first; however there were 105.  He tried to read them all and determine which were most important, but each time he finished sorting just one letter, 200 more came in.  He has decided to take one day and sort all of his letters into bins by date and then again by need.  He will be finished with this task by tomorrow (we hope) because he has called up his team to help.  Don't worry, when Cocoa says he will complete a task, he will complete a task, after a short break, of course:

What are you looking at?
I can take a break if I want to!

Cat wants out...

"Dear Cocoa,

I am an elderly feline with a lot of years of experience behind me.  I was recently captured by humans and put in a home (how degrading) with several other felines who are much younger than I.  I do not want to dominate; however I am older, wiser, and more qualified than the others.  My problem is this:  How do I get the younger felines to acknowledge my superior intellect and How Do I Get Out Of This House And Back Outside?  I hope you can help me.

Signed Wants Out"

"Dear Wants Out,

The younger generation has no respect for their elders; sad, but true.  They will not come to you for answers because they feel they know it all and don't need anyone to 'educate' them.  I would ignore them completely (since they will effectively ignore your knowledge).  As far as leaving the home, you might want to reconsider that point.  As an older feline you are most likely suffering from aches and pains which slow you down a bit.  The older you get the harder it will be to catch your own food.  Being in a home with pets to care for you means they will be giving you your food and water and they will provide a warm bed where you can sleep whenever you want to.  If, after that advice, you still want out, try resting close to the door.  When one of the humans (especially the young ones) opens the door, scoot out before they can catch you.  Good Luck!

Signed Cocoa"

Its snowing in the "house"?

"Dear Cocoa,

I have been an inside cat for many years, but I have never seen anything like this!  It was snowing inside the room where we all sleep!  Yes, that's right, snowing.  The only catch was, we couldn't reach the flakes.  They dropped from the roof and stopped a few feet away and just swirled and floated there.  My housemates and myself tried to reach them by climbing, jumping, and even crying for help, but there was no way we could reach them.  Can you help us? 

Signed Can't Reach the Snowflakes"

"Dear Can't Reach the Snowflakes,

I am sorry to inform you that I cannot help you in this matter.  I have seen such a phenomenon in my own sleeping area and have learned that the flakes are simply out of reach.  I know this sounds weird and horrifying especially since snowflakes usually drift down until they reach a solid surface; however these particular snowflakes are, I hope you are ready for this revelation, they are not real!  That's right, they are human made and human hung (I actually watched my human hang some of them).  So, though they may look real and may swing and sway like real flakes, they are only human made replicas of the real thing--this means they are not worth the effort of trying to catch them.  I hope I have helped,

Signed Cocoa"

The window is in my way.....

"Dear Cocoa,

I am not a smart feline; my friends are forever teasing me about it.  And I admit there are soooo very many things I do not understand.  I read your column recently and thought you might be able to help me out.  I have many questions, but my brother said you would only answer one at a time.  Here is the first of many questions:  Why, when the white snow flakes dance in the sky, am I not able to reach them from my perch in the window?  Hope you can help me.

Signed Jasper"

"Dear Jasper,

I think you are a marvelous feline because you are willing to admit your faults and try to better yourself.  Your first question is easy to answer, though I am sure it has been a problem for you for quite a long time.  You see, there is a material that our human pets put into the window to prevent the rain, snow and wind from actually coming into the house.  That material allows you to see out, but not to reach out.  Sadly, many cats have tried by trying to race through the material (with dire results).  I am certain you are not one of those felines (I hope).  Feel free to send me another of your questions, and I will be happy to answer it promptly.

Signed Cocoa"

Try these for your pets outside viewing pleasure.

Why do they act that way?

"Dear Cocoa,

My pets have been acting rather strangely over the last few days and I can't figure out why.  Here are the details:  they have been drinking a liquid that makes them act silly; they have been talking about improving themselves; they have been putting out lots of tinsel-like decorations (but always too high for me to have any fun); and they have been giving me and my housemates several hugs a day (highly suspicious if you ask me).  Can you explain?

Signed Worried"

"Dear Worried,

It is the season I'm afraid.  You see right around this time of the year our human pets begin to think about starting over (yes I said starting over).  They try to change what they have been doing all of their lives, and they try to change their work and home scheduling.  After much study and research, I have concluded that it is some type of behavioral modification program put in place by the aliens who control the humans in their behavioral patterns; in other words, humans are sometimes impossible to understand.  Sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but sometimes we just have to shake our heads and accept that humans are strange.

Signed Cocoa"